Are You Stylin'?

"All our controversies concerning doctrine relate either to the legitimate worship of God, or to the ground of salvation. As to the former, unquestionably we do exhort men to worship God neither in a frigid nor a careless manner; and while we point out the mode, we neither lose sight of the end, nor omit anything which bears upon the point. We proclaim the glory of God in terms far loftier than it was wont to be proclaimed before, and we earnestly labor to make the perfections in which his glory shines better and better known. His benefits towards ourselves we extol as eloquently as we can, while we call upon others to reverence his majesty, render due homage to his greatness, feel due gratitude for his mercies, and unite in showing forth his praise. In this way there is infused into their hearts that solid confidence which afterwards gives birth to prayer; and in this way, too, each one is trained to genuine self-denial, so that his will being brought into obedience to God, he bids farewell to his own desires. In short, as God requires us to worship Him in a spiritual manner, so we most zealously urge men to all the spiritual sacrifices which he recommends.

Even our enemies cannot deny our assiduity in exhorting men to expect the good which they desire from none but God, to confide in his power, rest in his goodness, depend on his truth, and turn to him with the whole heart; to recline upon him with full hope, and recur to him in necessity: that is, at every moment to ascribe to him every good thing which we enjoy, and show we do so by open expressions of praise. And that none may be deterred by difficulty of access, we proclaim that a complete fountain of blessings is opened up to us in Christ, and that out of it we may draw for every need. Our writings are witnesses, and our sermons witnesses, how frequent and sedulous we are in recommending true repentance, urging men to renounce their own reason and carnal desires, and themselves entirely, that they may be brought into obedience to God alone, and live no longer to themselves, but to him. Nor, at the same time, do we overlook external duties and works of charity, which follow on such renovation. This I say, is the sure and unerring form of worship which we know that he approves, because it is the form which his word prescribes, and these the only sacrifices of the Christian church which have his sanction."

So, I don't know if you can already guess the direction of this blog post from the first 2 paragraphs, but I stole them from Calvin. I've been doing a lot of thinking about our copious types of worship "styles" within christian denominations. It's a fascinating thing. The way calvinists of yore used to worship was on hard wooden planks that they sat on, otherwise known as pews. The service was simple with probably one speaker as opposed to more contemporary services that have 5 or 6 depending on where you go. There were no instruments, the singing was melody only and they stuck to biblical text.. ie. no hymns. As you can imagine, there were also no big tv screens (this may have been a product of the late 16th/17th centuries) and no head bopping tunes, no revivals, no testimonies, no miraculous healings, no one spoke in tongues (unless you think french counts) and there was a surprising lack of religious images in the church.

Calvinists today are nothing like these guys from way back when. They sit on padded chairs and their churches are usually adorned with flowers and crosses, and doves, and triangles and whatever else they can come up with without actually drawing pictures of God and thus very obviously violating the 2nd commandment. They sing hymns and love'em! I talked to one elderly lady in the OPC that I currently attend, she told me how she was raised in the RPC and as such had a much more traditionally "calvinistic" worship service without instruments. She felt much happier being in this OPC because it was "more liberating" to have instruments and to sing hymns, and she may have said something about legalism in reference to her previous more traditional calvinist upbringing. But services have changed, and we have huge TV screens, loud speakers with rocking music, multiple speakers (sometimes it takes me a while to figure out who the minister actually is..) we have tons of instruments, we can sing anything we want because we're free to do that. We aren't bound up by the legalistic restraints of traditional calvinist practice. Now mind you there are some churches that are much less entertaining than others, and they are usually populated with old people, once those peeps die off we'll have rockin praise music in every church, because it is only the unprincipled stodgy old-fashioned preferences of the church's old folks that is holding us back.

The morning service that I attended at a slightly more hip PCA had 4 women and various dudes come up to the pulpit and read passages from scripture, and make announcements. They had a manage of musical instruments, recorder, flute, french horn, guitar, clarinet and I couldn't see what else. This was the most hip Reformed service I had ever attended, we didn't have any big screen tv's- but we had a choir, and almost open communion, we had some sort of menorah like advent candle holder next to the pulpit covered in christmasy evergreen fronds, we didn't sing any passages from scripture- it was entirely comprised of hymns and traditional christmasy tunes like "come oh come Emanuel

Another church I attended had a contemporary service. I enjoyed it, I thought the music was rockin' and the preaching, though simple, compelling and inspirational. They had a praise band combined with choir that was so loud that my skeletal infrastructure shook as I stood and I was forced to cover my ears to retain my sense of hearing. (now you know it was good)

Getting all the way back to the first couple of paragraphs by Calvin, he says "[we are to] worship God neither in a frigid nor a careless manner; and while we point out the mode, we neither lose sight of the end, nor omit anything which bears upon the point..... and in this way, too, each one is trained to genuine self-denial, so that his will being brought into obedience to God, he bids farewell to his own desires. In short, as God requires us to worship Him in a spiritual manner, so we most zealously urge men to all the spiritual sacrifices which he recommends."

I think about the stodgy unprincipled old-fashioned preferences of the church's elderly, and I think about the rockin' services of the church's hip contemporary youth, and I see what Calvin has written as a criticism to each equally.

The elderly have unprincipled preferences, which I accuse of being unprincipled because preferences is all that they are. There is no biblical or theological basis for them, and they can't back it up with any credence. The young people are just doing what feels good too, this is their preference, and they have an equally hard time backing up what they do with theology or scripture. Though, in favor of the young people, I do think they do a much better job of pursuing the idea that "God requires us to worship Him in a spiritual manner" because I always feel much more worked up and giddy after these services than with the old stodgy folks. Whether or not that is actually "spiritual" is up for debate, and scientific study. Both of these styles are perfect examples of "will worship" a dutch term meaning that we disregard any constraining principles of worship and do whatever ever the heck we want.

Where has the idea that we should seek to praise and worship God in a way that He has prescribed gone? It is almost non existent. Today we worry about attracting crowds by doing what people like and conforming to the culture. I propose a mind blowing idea, namely that we attract attention through being totally and utterly biblical, countercultural sometimes, and even possibly agreeing with the culture should it jive with the teachings of the Bible.

_______ _____ ______ _______ __________
Not everything that feels good IS good.

To address the those people, who, from an emotional basis,would protest any sort of change presented. Whenever I suggest changing a tradition or possibly rethinking something we do that we previously never questioned, I usually am confronted by people swayed by sentiment rather than reason. They just don't want to think about it and will cling to their previously undoubted practices like a corpse with rigor mortis.
Recently when discussing the possibility of images of angels being sinful, one lady from my church said "but God made us to be emotional creatures and to enjoy things" so the conclusion of that statement is (without her finishing)

-and these images give me joy, therefore they can't be wrong-

It was a beautiful statement, and one is inclined to just accept it for what it is. If it makes you happy, it can't be bad! So anything that makes you happy, is a good thing. Ok ok, so if I enjoy getting drunk on a routine basis, that's ok because I enjoy it? I enjoy misdirecting tourists to parts of town that are dangerous, possibly life threatening. I like stealing small pieces of candy from convenience stores because candy is yummy but if there was something else that size I'd steal it too, because it's fun. Now none of these things are actually true of me, but you can see it happening and it's kind of horrifying. If something breaks the law, it is wrong, no matter how much fun it is. In fact, I would go as far as to say that breaking the law (and not getting caught) is WAY more fun than keeping it.
When you were a kid, and your parents told you to do something.. or worse yet, NOT to do something, did you always obey them? Or did you take perverse pleasure in undermining their authority in any way possible? This one I'll admit to.

But it's most definitely wrong. All that to make the point that not everything that sounds good, even from sweet innocent old ladies, is true. Now that we've established the complete falseness of that statement (actually i hated geometry) let us backtrack. So something that makes you happy isn't always good or right, but how do you know? Well, see if it violates any laws, that can be helpful. So we back up what we know not by our feelings, but by something concrete like laws.

NOW going all the way back to my statement about trying to serve God best in the way that pleases Him rather than ourselves, has God given us a way to worship Him? Has He given example? How do we know how to worship God in a way that pleases Him? What is this "genuine self-denial" of which Calvin speaks?

I'm not here to answer that question conclusively, how do you think we should conduct our worship of God?

Happy Holidays everyone!

something crazy

so I've had this urge to do something out of control and crazy for a while. Nothing significant has manifested itself, it's mostly come out in smaller interactions with other people.. again nothing life changing but something different.

I like it when things keep changing and moving and progressing. If things hold too still I feel like I'll burst! maybe that's why I had to transfer.. haha

I was sitting in chipotle today with some other musicians and I stopped in the middle of a conversation because my mind was immediately drawn to the background music in the restaurant. and then *blushes* I analyzed it in front of them.

Thanksgiving night I was talking to dearest Torsty-poo and complaining to him about what aural skills has done to us. I said to him, "don't you hate it that you can't hear a song without breaking it down to it's constituent elements?" and he responded, "why? I love knowing what's going on" and I said "well it's like not being able to stop thinking about grammar when you hear someone speak" and he responded "but I LOVE grammar!"

lol and that is the difference between Torsten and I. Though admittedly he has a point.

Finals are soon approaching. I have to complete several stringent requirements for Ms. Jensen in order to get an A in bassoon... wow. And then also in contra. lol and then for reeds... and then I have jury on top of that. oh yeah and finals. goodness gracious.

I really can't wait to go home. It seems like I haven't been there in forever, but then when I skype my family it feels like I never left.

I like Austin. I love the place where I live, it's SO funny!! Firstly it's a dump, secondly, every evening these birds called "grackles" come out of nowhere and everywhere and circle my apt. whilst screeching to each other. Mom thinks that they're trading roosting locations and suggestions. But when they start doing that, they're thick! They make Hitchcock's "The Birds" look like nothing. And the air reeks with the smell of bird. It's inescapable. When you're going down the drag sometimes you get a strong wiff or two of car fumes or cigarets or fast food etc. but in the evening you smell nothing but bird. Or maybe it's the smell of bird crap? who knows. hehehehe lurvely.

but that's the other thing, the sidewalks under these trees are quite literally painted with the vivacious colors of bird sh*t. I've been welcomed to Austin with the kind greeting of one grackle who was kind enough to share his digested lunch with the top of my head as I passed underneath a tree. Then I had to ride a bus home and really hope that no one could see that I was sporting the latest fashion de birdet.

My 21st birthday is coming up, and it's going to be BIG!!! :D I think I'll go to a pub or something like that. What fun it shall be! I can't wait until I'm allowed to drink already. I think this drinking age is stupid. It should be when you turn 18. If you're a legal adult then then you should be a legal adult, none of this half-way goofiness.

Ok I'm going to stop because I feel rant mode coming on... so this probably a good time to stop.

peace.

TSA in SAN?

So a friend of mine posted this link on Facebook. After I checked it out, I was so enraged that I think I'll be driving back to CA this year. Thank you TSA.

http://johnnyedge.blogspot.com/2010/11/these-events-took-place-roughly-between.html#comment-form

Some sheep bleat louder because they can see what's coming.

ps. I like mutton (don't try to analyze that.. it don't work)

Midterms

We're almost done with our midterm exams here, my last few happen this week and I am very much looking forward to being done! UT has been such a good experience for me. I'm digging the weather here man. It's almost always perfect outside. We've had a little bit of rain, but only for 3 days. The fun thing is, it will rain at night, and then be warm and sunny all day. WIN! I'm also much more fit during the school year than I have ever been in my life, save for when I was doing basketball and Tae Kwon Do.

Bassoon is coming along, though I do find it more difficult to find serious practice time here than I did at Eastman. That might simply be because I'm taking 17 credits, which is more credits than I've taken for a while now. Next semester won't be so bad. I won't be taking any non-music classes, so I'll spend all my time in the music building. huzzah? I dunno man. At least I can practice in my Apartment after 2pm till late most days. Why do I have to wait until after 2pm to practice you might ask. WELL... that is directly tied to the nocturnal activities of the other college students the previous night. But whatevs. If I had I life I might be more sympathetic? nahhh

So I usually enjoy the thrill of living life on the fly, ie. running around with no actual formal schedule to organize my day for me. I reject the constraints of ordering my life into a box, it should just flow naturally. I've discovered the hard way that this doesn't work. After missing a few appointments, my teacher had words with me and I now have a nice daily planner that helps me to stay organized. A brilliant friend of mine pointed out that having a schedule doesn't put your life in a box, it illuminates where the perimeters of the box lie so that you can make your escape and not trip over yourself in the process.

So the few of you who are silly enough to suffer from the same anti-scheduling syndrome, let this be a warning and an encouragement. Life doesn't have to be this way, it can get better. Buy a small planner and keep it with you.

Today was Sunday. It was a good day. The Terpstras picked me up for morning worship and I went over to the Engelbrechts for lunch. Many thanks to both families for transporting and feeding me. And thanks to the Van Dams who schedule my Sundays for me.

So, halloween is coming up. I think I'll just do a toga or something. Pearson mentioned that I could go as a sorority girl buuutttt I dunno. He also said something about dressing up as Internet Explorer... that might be amusing. XD

But there will be a big party at Aaron's house, and I ACTUALLY got invited!!! YES!!! I only had to pry a little bit...

So last week was the shopping adventure. Without a car I rely on the bus system. I should have asked around before I attempted this, but instead I relied on google maps to guide me. Bad idea. The key word I used was "grocery store" and all that came up were a bunch of convenience stores, and at the very end of the list, Whole Foods. I checked it out on the website, it looked like a very nice place, there were no prices listed but it appeared to be a grocery store and not a convenience store, so I hopped on a bus and headed over. When I got off the bus to cross the street, a van pulled up next to me at the cross walk (very unexpectedly) and of all the crazy things that could have happened, a very small child was leaning out of a window thrusting a purple flower at me. I confusedly took the flower thinking that it was just some childish game and the best thing to do would be to humor the child and take the flower. The driver of the van, a younger lady in her late 20's, informed me that they were doing "random acts of kindness" so I said thank you and smiled as they whizzed off. It was very strange, and it happened very quickly! A few minutes later after bumbling my way around I found Whole Foods. When I went inside I was amazed at how large the store was, how clean and the fantastic array of exotic foods. Coconut water was one of the first things that I saw for sale, besides the fresh gourmet deli that looked and smelled amazing. But I went off to find more practical things like fresh fruit and pantry items. I soon found that Whole Foods it not geared towards people on a budget. This was very frustrating when you haven't had dinner and just want to buy something and go home to eat it. However, I saw an amazing array of fungus from all over the planet for the cultured, aristocratic taste buds of Austin's rich. I do find it ironic that people who have "made it" in our society end up eating glorified mold. It certainly has variety, but the irony stands. I've never seen so many types of mushrooms in one place. It was an experience. I ended up buying some apples and crackers and similar such items so that the trip wasn't an absolute washout. But on the way home I hit my now favorite cigar shop.

When you walk inside the smell of all those fresh cigars hits you. Probably one of the best smells in the world. I bought a few really small "hazel" cigars, and they are sooo good. I originally asked for cherry vanilla, but they didn't have that. However the richness of the hazel cigar is just fantastic. As long as I don't get hooked it will be ok, but I'm going to bring some home to my peeps in San Diego and expose them to the awesomeness that is the small hazel cigar. It's strange that after coming from a non-smoking family that I can even tolerate the smell, let alone appreciate the smell of cigars. But now the smell of those few cigars has perfumed my room for days now. Every time I come back to my room the cigar smell hits me, and I know it's a good day. ;)

UT Austin Bassoon Day!

So it's the annual UT Austin Bassoon Day! I'm really excited about this event even though I can't go this year because it's on a Sunday :( but I do get to be the PR! Woot!

http://utbsnday.weebly.com/

If you live in Austin, or anywhere near, check it out man! ;)

Austin!

So it's been forever since I checked my own blog, so I can't even remember if I posted anything about transferring, but it has happened. I am here at University of Texas at Austin living in my awesome apartment. Everything here is pretty sweet, my teacher, the school, the weather, the food, my studio mates, the single dwelling apt. which is all mine.. mine.. mine...... haha but seriously I am excited not to have to share a room with anyone. I have two different Bible studies I can attend, one called hill house which is run by the PCA minister at All Saints, and the RUF bbl stdy that I haven't actually attended thus far that meets on campus... I should get around to that...
but here we also have free access to a gym, which I find totally exciting! I get to go running in a state of the art facility with air conditioning! I would run outside if it were less humid, but there's something addicting about being able to look down and see exactly how many calories you've burned, how long you've been going, incline, heart rate etc. I like machines!XD ok this is a false statement half the time but whatevs.
I also have a fantabulous church community who has opened their arms to me every Sunday. I can't even remember everyone's name, but they all know me! Everyone greets me and inquires as to my well being with a warm heartfelt smile. The Van Dams have been incredibly kind in driving me to and from church almost every Sunday, except when they are out of town- and in that case thank you Hannah Benoit and Mr. and Mrs. Hughes! Every afternoon someone from the church takes me into their house and feeds me lunch, and the way people just line up to ask me into their homes is just so amazing. I really feel I have found a fantastic church community that will take care of me in my state of relative dependance as a student without personal means of transportation.
So my bassoon studio is the bomb. In every studio you have the really good people, the people in the middle, and the people at the bottom of the totem pole.. but in this studio everyone I have heard so far is a kick butt bassoonist. Kristin Jensen is the bomb and even though I'm having to relearn tons of old habits, I have complete confidence this will make me a better player in the long run. Ms. Jensen, is such a good teacher!!! I have learned more from her about how to play the bassoon than ever before! It's changing my sound, her big thing is aiming for "Zing!" and using proper posture/support. She is really attuned to how it's important to pay attention to what you are doing physically, since it will ALL affect your playing. All of her students get really amazing bassoon sounds out of their instruments and I am so excited to be a part of this studio, aaaand I'm so glad she likes transfer students! haha
So classes have been going well, I like my written theory prof. waaay much, never thought I would say that but she's super cool! I can't stand theory profs. who are anal and insecure, she's such a refreshing change! (with a smaaaall exception of other theory profs. I've met) However aural skills isn't going so hot. I didn't think I would need to register for it, but things changed and now I'm taking this class for the 3rd time... it is not exciting and the story behind that is gross and involved. no more shall be said.
So, on a completely different note, I have died my hair a dark blonde. I like it, it goes well with my tan. XD
I'm painting my bathroom, and have moved my furniture multiple times for the optimal space efficient setup.

<-- LOOK HIPPIE PAINT JOB!!!! :D dude that's Rockin'!

-I am studying jazz bassoon again, back to square one. Evidently I was missing some crucial fundamentals which I am learning now.

-It looks like the piano dept. will graciously let me test out of 3 semesters, leaving only 1 more before I'm completely done with piano forever.

-My trio is awesome, we are comprised of flute, harp and of course bassoon, and we're playing Jolivet's Patorales de Noel. It's purty.

=And the fun stuff, I had a TeRRible placement audition and was placed in the lowest group for music majors, but they had a concert on Sunday, so I have placed into the non-music major band. It's cool, the peeps there are talented and it's a good experience. You learn different things in every group, and though I am not taxed nearly the same way I was when playing next to Steve Dibner, it's good experience.

speaking of which, there is a super cool picture on Facebook that I just HAVE to post here because it is Hilarious!! haha

AIR-BASSOON!!!!!!!

==

{}~ <-- look, it's a bassoon emoticon!!! hahaha!!

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ok, it's sleepy time, I have an early morning bible study, if I can raise myself out of bed :p

So I'm as close as I can get to our massive internet server here at Marolt, I think I can feel the radio-activity boiling my brains slowly, or it might simply be the heat of the laundry dryers, behind which I am hiding so that I have priority in the war for internet access. lol
The highlight of my stay so far was having my parents come out and visit me, it was great to see them. It made me seriously want to go home and brought some pretty intense home-sickness. But I'm doing better now. If I can just avoid thinking of home I'll be fine.

<-- dad and me dueling for the best picture, with mom laughing

So religiously it's been a battle here, in more ways than one. The church I'm attending believes in modern day miraculous works of the Holy Spirit. I got a book from the pastor here called "praying heaving down to earth, a practical guide to everyday miracles" or some shtuff like that... I was skeptical until I saw this miraculous service in which people were healed! it was crazy. I came this close to becoming charismatic. But thanks to the impressive learning and even more impressive skepticism of my father, I am not suffering from that tendency any longer. Evidently context and a thorough investigation of the bible are necessary before making possibly heretical claims. I say this all with a certain amount of very dry sarcasm, maybe it's because I am still upset about wasting 75 cents on the dryers here due to an incredible amount of incompetence. I've done dumb stuff before, but this takes the cake.
I have so much stuff going on, studying with Nancy is great :) Per taught a master class yesterday in which I played duets with my bassoon friend Pei wen. She's really nice and is something of a composition wiz! It went well and afterwards we ate dinner at John's house. I found two books in his place that were of particular interest to me one was about how we are the center of life (each person individually, a concept I find absolutely dizzying) and another one on how religion poisons everything. (?) what can I say? I am willing to bet that this book is selling some sort of theory on how that now we are enlightened we don't need religion and it's antiquated bassackwards ways. I would also go as far as to accuse people who advocate how modernly enlightened we are as a religion unto itself, which, like the previous book, put US at the center of the universe. Talk about a religion of selfishness, if you believe in selfishness anymore.
But back to bassoon stuff (lol) I get to play with Steven Dibner this next week, I'm so scared and excited! It will be awesome. Evidently his theory and practice on reeds is very minimalist... hahaha but that's just some good ol' bassoon gossip. My awesome sextet which just played the poulenc is regrouping to form a quintet with piano, it's really cool :) and I'll be playing in another group doing poulenc again but this time as a trio. I heard our doctorate bassoon Darrel play it today for my first time. It was an interesting piece. Some parts were so beautiful, the only word I can think to describe it is ethereal. Next Monday I'll be going on my first serious hike since I got here with our bible study. It will be fun. My laundry is still wet, and it needs to be hung out to dry :p

peace

So it's been an obscenely long time since I posted anything whatsoever, but I have a legit excuse! I'm in Aspen, CO for the summer music festival and internet here is sketchy. So is phone service. I denounce you AT&T. Verizon be yo daddy. Plus I have to get a new phone due to this one being on the ritz. Touch screen View by LG, just say NO! Heck NO!!! Pictures are good though, and to that end I have some video to share that could be found on facebook, but I've never posted video here before so here's to something new!

Speaking of new, the ants here are GIN0RMOUS!! Some of these suckers have to be a good 3/4 inch long! Other slightly more interesting sightings were of the bear (cub?) I saw behind the music building and the snake I found and pursued.

Aspen has been really fun. I had my first rehearsal this morning with the concert orchestra and yesterday I rehearsed with the bassoon band! It was fun, there will be a performance this Saturday evening. I also had my first lesson with Nancy Goeres this Wednesday and it was great. We talked about stuff, and I played piard etude #4 in e minor with relative success. She gave me some tips to get low notes out more easily (esp. in this altitude) Reeds, though I hadn't figured them out for my audition yet, are working really well. A quick shout out to Stuart Garlock who very awesomely sharpened my reed knife, thus enabling reed awesomeness.

I just left the concert happening at the music tent, Nancy was Amazing!!! but I did get caught in the rain. :p Aspen and it's weather, ok more later!

Graduation!!!

I just left Rochester, I stayed just long enough to say one last goodbye to the Judds (thank you Mrs. Judd for the card!) who by the way are probably some of the best people on this planet. They took me in and became a second family to me, they nurtured me mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally- as well as provided a little Godly perspective (the most expensive commodity on the modern market.) I also got to see Luke, Andre, Jeremy, David Wygert., David Fisk, Tim, Ellie, Ashlee, Alex, Bopp, and Brett graduate. It was a good class. Sitting through that graduation ceremony watching all my friends graduate made me feel like I graduated with them- it's fun to think of all the places we're going to. Luke is going to PA, Andre to France, Jeremy to WA, David W. to TX, David F. to CO (and then where I'm not sure...) Tim and Ellie I have no clue, Ashlee and Alex are going to FL, Bopp to CA, Brett to Yale (which is a location...)
I am going to miss people so much, I finally decided about transferring and I am going to Texas.
I was just thinking to myself on the flight to JFK, "wow, I must have really enjoyed sophomore and freshman year- so much so that I was desperate to redo them! ugh. Maybe I'll get it right this time"
But I ran into an eastman mom on the flight to JFK and she told me about how her daughter had to transfer from a great music school to study with someone else in Eastman- which makes me feel less bad about leaving Eastman- if it can work for this girl it can work for me. Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful and bursting with creative energy Austin is, I'm so glad to be heading to this environment. haha I've never been to Austin- it may seem crazy that I want to go to a place I've never seen before but I think it will be ok. I have reasonable guarantee that it will be worth it. ;) I'm excited about the idea that I can pursue my insane idea of learning jazz bassoon. haha I have almost no talent for it- but it's getting better considering how little time I put into it. It's also helping me to improve as a bassoonist.
I'm sad that I only get 1 month with my family, in the midst of which is Orientation, which means a quick trip to Austin, then back home, then Aspen and then it's straight to TX. Whew. I don't cope well with new things, or change...

Ugh, I need to learn this etude for my lesson on friday and the etude is hard... it wouldn’t be so bad, but I haven’t played in 2 and half weeks, so I’ve got some practicing to do. I probably won’t even get through the whole etude at the lesson. As for lessons, I get to teach my little bassoonists starting tomorrow! I’m excited. I love my students and I love teaching them. It’s so great to see their eyes light up when you tell them something they’ve never heard before.
The plan for this summer is to get fit already. I try to do this every year... but I think I may be able to actually make some headway this time. And since I’m going to Texas I won’t have to worry about being holed up for 4 months at a time due to miserable weather conditions. And it sounds like the food will be better too. :D

I just realized that I haven't been posting my previous posts, one of them only consisted of a couple sentences, but the last one was several paragraphs long! so I posted old info.
Finals are coming up, it will be the end of my Sophomore year (and possibly last) year at Eastman. I'll know for sure on the 1st of May. It's going to be crazy between now and then. UT reaccepted med *yay!* and there was much rejoicing. Now we're just finagling credit issues. I've been going to a music school for the past year so I actually have almost as many academic requirement from this school as musical... lol I just lurrrrve academics...
but whatevs, maybe if UT is particularly understanding I'll be able to fulfill some of those online over the summer.

It's raining outside after a gorgeous week and church was weird today because pastor was out of town- so we're acting like weird charismatic church. haha I only say that because the elder opened the service.. for an HALF HOUR haha and then we had some emotive dude from an abortion clinic (who may or may not have actually opened his Bible) lecture us on how we need to realize how terrible abortion is. It was a good lecture, and I agreed with him on most everything. However it didn't have the Law/Gospel approach I have come to expect in sermons. I've been spoiled. And there wasn't too much structure, just a lot of good ideas strung together. At LEAST we didn't have a praise band, but my understanding is that will change Next week since some of my Eastman friends (blushes) are actually going to help us institute some good ol' Mosaic practice in our New Testament service. Thanks guys, Uzza thanks you.
I'm going to have to leave for the RPC pretty soon. lol

I actually like the rain, it makes me feel like the world is taking a shower- and I am all in favor of cleanliness. no joke.
It's also very calm spring rain, slightly warm and friendly. but this is just subjective artistic rot. Reality says I just got a hair cut and the humidity is doing it's best to ensure that I have a fro. Admittedly I'm still very very white, but my hair is confuzzled.

btw I've a new word for pop-culture. It's called "Fizzual" like the words; visual, physical, and fizzy all mashed together. It could totally make it. Never mind that it was something that I came up with in a TA meeting for aural skills... hehehe
tiz ultimate nerdiness me thinks...

This past week was jury week, and I didn't actually have a jury. It's a good mix. XD

By the way, I just want to thank all of the people who have been praying for me in this transferring thing, I've tried to be really cool about it, but it's been driving me crazy. Your prayers are very very much appreciated.
Today was also fun because we made fried tortillas, taco meat, mac'n'cheese and we chopped some onion. We played catch with a small stress ball and also "see who can hit Luke while he vacuums as many time with the ball in the most witty combinations possible." Luke's a good sport. haha

Well, I was supposed to be reading reformed books, but then I got distracted. I don't like reading anyways. I like hearing, arguing, intellectualizing, but analyzing written material is not ma fav... which is bad for the academic world. Good thing I'm a music major. lol

ok peace, I can't write anymore and there's no way you could read another word of this. XD

cUrTis?

Good news and bad news. I was accepted at UT Austin and offered significant scholarships, bad news is that they rescinded their offer shortly afterwards. Why? It's confusing but it all started with the application that I submitted. Evidently there was a typo. I must have put down that I had been attending Eastman since Spring of 2010 instead of Fall '08. I have literally NO idea how I could have done that and would like to blame the way the online application saves it's data.. or not.
Anyways they operate under the assumption that my application is correct and never request my Eastman transcript, which I remember thinking odd at the time but dismissed since it seemed logical that they would wait until after my credits here are complete, aka when this semester's grades have been added to my transcript. And that's why I didn't submit my Eastman application by the deadline March 1. *whew*
So they accept me and there was much rejoicing. Then I start thinking about how many years I will actually end up spending there, and in order to calculate that number I send them my Eastman transcript so that my existing credits can be added to my degree audit page. Well the next morning I get an email from admissions saying;

"Good Morning Kathryn,

blah blah blah your transcript that we never asked you for is being considered late and we don't want you anymore. If you don't like this, write us a letter and we'll think about it.

All the most sincerest and very best,

Your friendly admissions people"


The part that stuck with me is the "Good morning Kathryn," I love it when people say good morning. It's so cheerful. I hate mornings, I hate how I feel in the morning. Most of the time I just want to crawl back into bed. That aside, I always enjoy a cheerful "good morning" it makes life seem less bleak at that hour.

So I appealed their decision, I'll call them in a few days and we'll see what happened.


On top of that, I wasn't chosen from the finalists at Curtis, but at least it was a great experience. Philadelphia was awesome, the people were awesome to me, and I learned a lot about playing under pressure. One big thing is alway ignore the judges. They may be smiling, laughing, passing notes, staring off into space, staring straight at you, writing little notes when you make mistakes, just don't think about it. Because as soon as you mess up, it's all over and they call the next candidate.

Today was fun, and way busy. I have run out of money on my college food plan and am therefore forced to buy food from restaurants and stores. So I got real breakfast this morning. It was good. I have discovered that I really like breakfast, I might get up early just to eat some tomorrow. It's not a luxury that I usually have time for, I usually stick to the nutrigrain bar and some apple juice to tide me over until I can get brunch which doubles as lunch. Today my chamber group, a sextet known at Eastman as "the Sexytet" went to Fischer college and gave an oral and musical presentation. Each member of the group said a little something about the composer, the use of instruments and then we played. It was a good performance. That was the second presentation I had to do that week, the first was for German film class, which is awesome. I love prof. Steingrover. She is so inspiring! She makes me want to be a better student- and to take german, I'm just so scared of all the time it would take!

Despite all the dull drab and awful, summer plans have been set. I will be attending Aspen summer music festival in CO, and it should be fun. If nothing else, I will get to study in Nancy Goeres studio for 8 weeks. Valentin has told me so many good things about her, I almost applied to Carnegie Mellon (where she works) but that didn't end up happening.

Finals

So I took my last Curtis audition and it went well, I ended up playing some repertoire that was NOT on my list.. lol it went alright I guess. The committee got me confused with another Kathryn and I ended up playing Scheherazade. I was only listed for Bolero and Figaro- so I hope they realized that it was unprepared at some point. XD

Absolute craziness.

It feels sooo good to be done. I was really really stressed but now I feel like a new person. I won’t find out the outcome until April, I wish I could know now! So much drama! ehhhh!!
I’m on the train right now. It’s supposed to go for 7 and an half hours! Bleah!! Whatever. I’m seated next to a nice lady, I’ve learned my lesson and I make it a rule not to sit next to men. This automatically rules out the perv factor that I so often have to deal with when I travel. As Daniel says “Katie you don’t have common sense, you have uncommon sense” which is true, but I’m learning to have common sense.

Everyone has been so helpful and supportive throughout this entire audition process, I just want to say thank you to my parents, my sister, Valentin, Luke, Andre, Seth, Alex Z., Jeff, Daniel, Conrad, Amanda, The Harts, and Lisa Ryken. You guys have been so helpful and supportive, I really appreciate it. I couldn’t have survived without you.

So sadly enough, I did not get to try the famous Philly Cheesesteak. But I did get to try the s’mores from Cosis. It was too much sugar for one person, but it was gooood and super fun to toast the marshmallows over the fire gel stuff.
Probably the best part of this whole experience, besides all the audition stuff, was living on my own, pets included, for a few days in a busy city. It was quite fun. I didn’t enjoy the constant solace, but it was still fun. :)
Also, I avoided all pervs on this trip and managed to survive quite well on my own without loosing life or limb. There was the incident with the doorman, but it could have been worse.
Only 3 more hours till we’re done. I wish it didn’t have to be such a long ride. But it had to be the train because I am poor and cannot take plane rides to places as close at PA. lol
I couldn’t wait to get out of Rochester, but now I will be grateful to get back and have food and my own bed to sleep in. I do the 4 inches of memory foam topping for my bed, and I strongly recommend it for anyone who has trouble sleeping. It’s the most comfortable thing ever, and the hardest part is getting up in the morning.

So I heard the most interesting sermon this morning. Usually in protestant circles we’re quiet, mild, understated people. We avoid controversial subjects and refer to the weather when in doubt of what to say. We never talk about things like sex in public settings. It’s just too awkward. The sermon today was about sexuality and I was gratified to hear strong AMENs from the congregation as the minister spoke. The people were listening and engaged, not trying to awkwardly tune out the minister. Have studied at Eastman I have encountered a variety of sexual sins that people struggle with (or not). It’s a plague and I think that part of the reason for this is that it can be an awkward topic to address, people don’t talk about it and the problem just gets worse. The minister pointed out how we as a culture have been driven crazy by sexuality. We no longer see it at the expression of committed love between a man and his wife, we see it as something that we can take into our own hands as some sort of play toy. It’s not serious, it’s just something pleasurable. Then why is there so much negativity, angst, depression, and pain when sex is abused? It doesn’t make sense and people don’t want it to make sense because when you think about it, right and wrong becomes clear. It’s not about what you want sometimes, it’s about doing what is wisest, about protecting yourself emotionally and physically. People are extremely vulnerable and don’t always realize it. The only way to protect yourself is to run the other direction. If you walk to the edge of a cliff and stare over the edge, what is the likely outcome?? Ok so you might not fall over, but what is the sense in putting yourself in that situation?It’s seriously not worth it. Yeah, sex used wrongly is NOT worth it. That’s coming from a 20 year old.
I would even go so far as to say that sex outside of loving committed marriage is not worth it. It certainly shouldn’t be about how attractive or “sexy” someone is. We’ve gotten so obsessed over this idea of “sexy” that we have people inserting plastic into their bodies and literally going nuts over this stuff. Girls become anorexic because they are obsessed with a certain ideal which is supposed to be “sexy.”
What is “sexy” really? It’s objectifying people. It’s seeing people as function of sex and not seeing sex as function of people. We are sexual, meaning capable of sex, but that is not who we are and does not define us at all.
Why am I talking about such a topic on a public blog? Because I’m tired of sex being hush hush. More people should address this topic. People are hurting and sometimes you need to say something.
The thing that helped me most is when pastor pointed out that we are not our own, sex is not something we get to decide to explore on our own terms. That is not what we were created to do and that’s why it hurts when we deviate from used rightly. The question to ask ourselves, even when our minds are consumed with sexual thoughts is “is this glorifying to God?” if you can’t say yes, then remove the temptation before you if there is temptation, or think about something else. If you have trouble, try praying. :)

ok now I’m done. That was tough and embarrassing, but that’s because I’m a female WASP. lol

So dinosaurs... just kidding. I need to stop, I’ll get tendonitis if I keep this up.

laterz.

btw
every time I travel, I get an opportunity to talk to other passengers, and it’s usually enlightening. I learn so much, just by bouncing ideas and pondering them. If I’m lucky I’ll get to sit next to someone who is older and more experienced than I. This means that I learn even more and can get some perspective (the most expensive commodity on the modern market) and I grow from it. This makes taking the train totally worth while.

Craziness

So I haven't said anything on my blog thus far of the actual important bassoon things that have happened in my life, but everybody knows so there's no point in hiding it.
I've been trying to transfer from Eastman for a while now, and the two places I'm seriously looking into are UT Austin and Curtis Institute. It's been quite a journey I've been thinking about this transfer halfway through my freshman year and decided I would give it a shot during summer break. I considered a lot of schools, Rice, Colburn, Oberlin, and I'm probably forgetting some here, but it ended up boiling down to UT Austin and Curtis.
I got admitted to the Butler School at UT but I'm still waiting to hear from the University. With Curtis, I just took my preliminary audition and passed, so we'll see what happens with that tomorrow.
With summer festivals I actually got waitlisted somewhere! ahh! Aspen finally wait-listed me. Music Academy was a no. (again) and this year I deviated from the normal pattern and applied to RoundTop. I haven't heard from them yet.

It's been quite a year, with lots of developement. Kristen Jensen taught me how to breathe, which is harder than it sounds. XD This has led to a new understanding of where and how vibrato works. I'm still working on that though, since I only learned about it a few weeks ago. It's already made a huge difference in my sound. I feel like a different person! It's also shown me flaws in my reed making- so now my reeds are generally better. That and some hertzburg exercised I got from Lynn Hileman and Mr. Beene.
Everything is still a learning experience. I don't cope well with "new" but I'll find a way to survive.

Feel free to pray for me, it is much needed and appreciated.
So I've discovered that doormen are really really rude. If they ask to help you, don't believe them. They don't really want to help you, they want proof of residency. To decline their offer of "help" will put you in a bad situation. I wish they would say what they mean. sheez.

I'm gonna go blow some air into my bassoon now and then hit the sack (if they dear puddy tats will let me. lolz) But seriously, they're adorable.

oh that's the other thing, I'm staying at the Hart's home. They were super generous and even gave me their bed. Thank you Harts for housing me, keeping me company, getting me apple juice, muffins and feeding me dinner! Daryll is an amazing chef!

So it's Sunday night, everyone has superbowl fever. Except me. lol
I really don't appreciate sports that much, I'm to busy with being a musician. Needless to say, the reason that I'm not taking part in these festivities is partly for religious reasons also. As the main character (Tom Watson) from "Chariots of Fire" put it; "Sabbath's not a day for playing football." The word "Sabbath literally means "set apart" so I agree with Tom in this. Sunday is the day you have to rest from the work you do the rest of the week and especially to study God's word and have fellowship with God's covenant people. The rest of the week is for other stuff.
And since this all I can think to say on this sunday. I'm going to leave off for now. bleah.

Monday-

this semester I am taking 15.5 credits. lol
I feel like a senior. It's great! I feel like in some ways I have a chronic case of senioritis from high-school that gets inflamed periodically. Like right now, I just played in studio class and did a good job- I surprised myself! But I feel really unmotivated to practice now. In some ways I disappointed myself because I know the mental performance behind the music was not entirely collected. I have such a hard time focusing, it must be some sort of ADD. I remember closing my eyes and then opening them and not being able to find my place! I was lucky that my fingers remembered what to do, but it was only by the grace of God that the right notes came out! Then there was the nightmarish part where I inhaled so quickly that my hair flew in my mouth- without having time to move it, I had to keep going! Then when I inhaled again I got more hair in my mouth!! Moral of the story, use hairspray or tie it up! lol
ok, I need to get back to it.
but first! it's Mu Phi pledge season. haha
this means that all the pledgelings will have to do the embarrassing Mu Phi wave to me. hehehehehe
I think I'll have to think of more embarrassing things that they'll have to do for me... hmmmm
ideas?

So I feel like the only time I ever write on this blog anymore is when I'm bored and sitting in the airport.
In the infamous words of Brett Judson; "whatevs"

So I'm here in DC airport it's 6:33am. Back home in San Diego it would be 3:33am. My flight leaves 8:16 and then I'll be back in the freezing jaws of death called Rochester. I miss my friends.

If there weren't people in Rochester it would not in any shape, way or form be a good place to live. With people it's not a good place to live but without would be so utterly pointless.
you know how some people go purchase great expanses of land in CO or CA or even in some of the more deserty states, just because it's so beautiful and they live on their own because they are totally happy there? Rochester is not one of these places. but enough about negative subjects.

I've been going crazy this break. I applied to several summer music festivals which means lots of recording (thanks dad!). I've been trying to get signed up for classes (not as easy as it sounds). I've been preoccupied with emailing profs and arranging lessons. All in all, I've been extremely busy over break and only took off 4 days (not including sundays when I don't work anyways) It wasn't very break-like, but I'm sure good things will come from all this effort.

So I found it interesting observing an old lady reading her Bible. My first reaction was "oh no, a crazy old person with senile zeal" I actually felt embarrassed. Her public, unabashed reading of scripture I found awkward. I realized that my reaction to this sort of thing was almost akin to my reaction to PDAs- not while people can see you!

But then I realized that my reaction was very culturally based and not the appropriate response of a christian. I should have seen a faithful servant of God diligently and sobermindedly trying to faithfully honor God in all of her actions. I am ashamed of myself.

The flight out to DC was long- I slept through most of it and the result is a sore neck. For some reason I'm not at all tired. I'm doing what I usually do with long layovers. Sitting, blogging, drinking a "fruit" smoothie that I pretend is healthy.

It's snowing here. I'm sure it's just the californian in me- but I hate cold. and snow. This time however, I have a serious coat to battle it, and feel like I am blending in with the eastcoasters! hahahaha
I'm sitting here hoping that the el creepo dude who tried to take me to "dinner" at my hotel will not show up. It's unlikely, but I would not be glad to see him.
It's a funny story, but last time I got confused with "departing time" and "boarding time" and the consequence was me watching people board what I thought was a previous flight (which was actually my flight). I didn't hear any announcements, and when I asked the people behind the counter when we could board they said that boarding time was over and I would have to talk to customer services. ps. if you ever get sent to customer services be prepared to be very very very patient. And when you finally make it through the long line that doesn't move be prepared to be uncharacteristically pushy. They won't listen unless you push. fun stuff.

So the story is I was walking over to customer services, depressed that I had missed my flight over such a dumb mistake and scared because I didn't know what I was going to do, when this cute airlines worker (a dude) walked past and asked me what was wrong. I told him about missing my flight and he offered his sympathies and told me to talk to him if I needed any help with anything.
I just thought he was a really nice guy and so I later did ask him for help, but only after they put me on standby for a late late flight which I couldn't board. They gave a brochure with hotel info and I went and tried to figure it out. Never having booked a hotel before or using the phone service they gave me I just sat there stewing. I'm not stupid, but understanding, esp. taking the time to read even simple things like signs goes directly against my personality. I like to fix the dvd player without reading the instructions thank you. :p
So I'm sitting there and the same cute dude walks up and asks if he can help me. I said yes I was trying to figure out this elaborate system they had and he took my phone and started talking to the operator I had reached, started telling her stuff like "no don't send a van" "can I get the address?" I told him promptly that he was not driving me anywhere and to give the phone back. He called me "mean" and I told him "I'm not getting into a car with you"
but he wants to have dinner with me so I said fine, go in a separate car and I'll have dinner with you and his face dropped. I thought something fishy was up so I called my bible study boys in rochacha and they informed me that "dinner is not actually dinner..."
so long story short, I don't want to run into this guy.

I still have over an hour before my flight, and people are starting to show up in the airport. I'm hearing overhead stories of 15 cold related deaths this winter. Why did I leave SD???

Jubin is going to pick me up from the airport when I get there, and I can't wait to see him. He's an awesome dude.

I'm starting to suspect that my ADD is aggravated by staying awake when I would otherwise be sleeping. I make it a general rule to not say things that I think past 1am since it tends to get me in trouble, and I usually don't blog exactly what I'm thinking as it comes, but this will be an experiment. I can always delete it later if I found I regret saying something later right? wrong. damage will be done. but I am so curious...

so I was watching that show about the 4 nerdy guys who live together and the sexy chick who lives across from them named Penny- it's so funny! I find myself strangely relating to the tall, excessively anal, nerdy guy who irritates everyone with his random and often overly convoluted statements. These statements I feel are intended to impress the intellect of the general public. People are too easily impressed, all he does is recite random facts at seemingly appropriate times (the time is in actuality rarely appropriate). Heck I do that all the time, and it is just as annoying and inappropriate. Though, I don't think I'm quite as anal or socially retarded. and no one thinks I'm a genius...

So what gets me is when they come over and say I'm going to tag your bassoon in case it doesn't fit on the plane. I inform them that there is no way this bassoon will be removed from my person and they always respond "just in case" and tag it anyway. They're wasting tags to put it simply. What about "this instrument is worth more than I am and will not be removed from my person" do they not understand? It's very simple. Maybe they don't take me seriously. I have no idea why. It's not like they know me or anything...

only 45 minutes till we gooo

people are running around with fresh food in their hands and it smells amazing. It is still wayyy to early for breakfast though.

ok. I'm done. before I get tendonitis or any such rubbish.

ciao.